End.

At times, when we hear the way somebody important to us speak, we can just feel that they're starting to allow themself to think of other options and possibilities, the ones that we have nothing to do with.

I hope not, but probably I am, just an option. It's okay. I believe one day I will have somebody who really deserve my love, and love me just as much, whoever that is. I will be waiting for that time to come.

May everything we go through is worth it in the end.

Tired.

Too tired of everything. I hope it will all be worth it after all. May Allah guide us in our actions and give us strength when we need it. :)

Plain.

Not in a very long time have I felt this sensation. A feeling that's very plain and simple. Just too tired of explaining every single detail that people should've understood in the first place. "If you were me, what would you feel?"

Am I. Am I the one that needs to do the explaining every time? Even when I'm the one that needs an explanation?

Am I. Am I the one that needs to convince, even when I'm the one that needs to be convinced?

Am I. Am I the one that needs to calm myself down and calm other people down, when I'm the one in a situation I shouldn't easily be calm about?

This hits me very hard. I'm just too tired, that somehow, I feel calm. I hope this is not permanent, but right now, I don't feel like saying more.

Trust.

Love needs caring. But it also needs trust. For without trust, there will only be pain and heartache. For one's self, and the loved one.

Pray. Pray for trust to be present where it's needs to be.

Embrace The Emptiness.

When you love someone for real, but you are very far away from each other, one thing usualy happens.

Emptiness.

Every kind of communication possible only occur through social media, text messages, the internet. Whatever kind it is, we never really see each other while communicating, not face-to-face as we can when we physically meet. And sometimes it causes us to question whether what we have is real or not. Whether there's really someone behind the text messages, whether that person truly is the person we once know.

We feel empty. And it's depressing. It's very tiring sometimes. But whatever happens, we should always hold on hope and not give in to the emptiness, but rather, embrace it. And do the best we can to make ourselves feel the presence of each other, despite the physical distance.

We might worry a lot, we might feel sad, we might feel insecure, we might not feel comfortable being so far away. But that's okay. That only means that we truly care for each other. That means we truly hope it will all work out and that all these hardships and challenges will someday be worth it.

YOU, I know I worry about you a lot. Because you're smart, beautiful, attractive, funny, and everything a man could ask for in a woman. I'm sorry for that. But I'll continue being worried :p. But YOU, don't worry about me being here. I may feel empty and depressed at times, but.. believe me, the depression and loneliness I kept feeling, they prepared me..

I'd rather feel empty due to the distance between us, than filling the emptiness with the company of someone I shouldn't be close to.

I'd rather it be you, always.

So until we meet again and, insyaAllah be united, I'll just embrace the emptiness.

It's you.

You.

I love it when you talk a lot, even though it's just to complain about your day. The fact that you share a part of your life with me, makes me really happy.

I love it when you're serious, and when you're able to convey really good arguments in our discussion. Just the kind of mind I would want to have close to me forever.

I love looking at your smile, hearing your laugh, even though I'm no good at making you smile or laugh. But the fact that it's you, just brings me to admiration.

I love it when you spontaneously come up with witty jokes, even though some of them are kind of lame :p. They just make my day.

I love it when you hear carefully what I have to say. About the things I have in my mind. Even though in truth, they're kind of trivial and small. But when you hear them anyway, I feel appreciated.

I love it when you say the right things to make me feel better. Even though at times I can be quite childish and clingy. But you do it anyway.

I love it that while we have things in common, we also have whole lots of differences. But up until now, we've learnt to accept one another, correct one another, learn together, and grow together, day by day.

In actual fact. There are so many things I love about you. But, I'll just tell them to you later, along our journey in life. I really do hope, and often pray, that we keep being together on this journey.

It's you.

Of all the people I've met my entire life. It's you I want to be with. It's you.

I Wish.

Sometimes, I just wish I can be the most compassionate person I can be, without the risk of being too sensitive.

Because at times,.. feeling things too deeply is just,.. tiring.

And I don't want to be a bother.

Partner.

Found an interesting quote from my favourite tv show, Modern Family.

Jay: " Why do we choose partners so different from ourselves? It's not fate or chance or cliches like "the heart wants what the heart wants". We choose our partners because they represent the unfinished business from our childhood. And we choose them because they manifest the qualities we wish we had. In doing so, in choosing such a challenging partner and working to give them what they need, we chart a course for our own growth. "

That Guy.

I'm that guy. Who talks about you every chance I have. Because you are always in my mind. Always.

I'm that guy. Who just can't stop thinking about you. And will never be at ease, until you are truly mine.

I'm that guy. Who stopped looking when I finally have you. I would never make you feel you have to compete. And I can never compare you with anyone else, as I know, doing that will only magnify the tiny imperfections you have – which everyone have. And prevent me from seeing all the other magnificent things in you.

I'm that guy. Who gave my everything to make sure you know your heart is safe with me, that I will never toy with it. And in the process, I gave too much of myself. To you.

I'm that guy. Who is half empty right now, who needs part of you to fill the empty part of me. So that I can be whole again, and be the old me.

I'm that guy. Who's always worried. Of misunderstanding. Worried that you don't understand what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling, what I'm doing, and what I actually am. So I say too much, to explain myself, to defend myself.

I'm that guy. Who easily hurt myself over small things you do. When I feel like I can't fulfill your expectation. When I feel you're not able to appreciate me. When I feel like I'm not good enough for you. Because I'm that scared of losing you.

I'm that guy. Who doesn't even care what happened in our past. As long as we keep moving forward together.

Actually, I lied. I'm still hurt. But I'm trying hard to forget all of that. I'm trying hard to heal myself. Even if you have worse truths to reveal to me, I wouldn't mind, just tell me, as long as we can still move forward from here. And let the past remain in the past.

I'm that guy. Who misses you each time it feels distant between our hearts. And I can't bear to not do anything about it. But I'm worried I'm gonna bug you. Annoy you.

I'm that guy. Who would never give up on you, even though I feel so hurt. Because I know, I hurt you too. We're still careless, we make mistakes. And that's okay. It means we still have a lot of space for improvements.

Actually.. I'm just that guy. Who tries too hard to not lose you.

Real Love.

Love is beautiful. Though in its beauty, is not perfection. So we shouldn't expect as such.

Real love is imperfect, complex, frail, flawed.

Love can bring you up, but it can also tear you down. Love can make you stronger, but at times can make you weaker. Love can give you happiness, but it can also make you realise sadness.

Just because it has its down sides, doesn't mean it's not real.

Yes, love is selfless. But when you love, it causes you to want to be loved; it's the selfish part of love. Because we'd give so much for love, we give part of ourselves to the one we love, leaving ourselves incomplete. And when that happens, we need the one we love to give part of them too, to us, so that we both can be complete, together.

It's weird. But everybody wants to feel complete. That's just how love is.

Real love demands effort, courage, reciprocity. Everybody who loves, would want, would need their love to be returned.

Real love is flawed, especially when it's incomplete. It's easy to see that it is less than what we expected it to be and just leave. But maybe, just maybe, if it is complete, it would evolve into something more beautiful than anything we have ever imagined.

Please, have faith. Don't give up. Not just yet.

Why Love requires Generosity.

Negatif.

Aku, makhluk yang berperasaan. Segala yang aku rasa, aku rasa sedalam-dalamnya. Bagi orang yang tidak berfungsi seperti aku, ada kalanya aku kelihatan negatif. Kerana aku, tak dapat membuang sesuatu dari fikiranku, tidak selagi ia belum diselesaikan.

Menafikan kewujudan sesuatu bukanlah sifat aku. Mengendahkan sesuatu yang perlu dihadapi, bukanlah sifat aku.

Aku hadapi kesedihan dan kesakitan, bukan dengan memejam mata dan berpura gembira, tapi dengan memeluknya.

Aku hadapi masalah, dengan berhadapan dengannya. Kerana meletakkannya di tepi dan terus berjalan, takkan menghilangkannya.

Aku hadapi kekeliruan dan kecelaruan, dengan membenamkan kakiku di dalamnya. Aku tarik satu persatu benang berserabut untuk meleraikan, walaupun aku juga tersimpul bersama, walaupun ia memakan masa.

Memang. Aku nampak buruk, nampak negatif, terlalu bergelumang dalam sengsara. Tapi hakikatnya, aku hanya begini kerana sifat aku yang menyelesaikan, walaupun ia menyusahkan, walaupun kelihatan di luar capaian. Kerana aku cuba, sedangkan orang lain biarkan saja.

Adakah buruk, untuk menghadapi realiti, tidak melarikan diri, dan tidak menafikan kewujudannya?

Jika semua orang meninggalkan masalah, siapa akan menyelesaikannya?

___________________________________________

Aku tak perlukan orang untuk ikut aku. Tidak jika tidak berkaitan dengan kau. Jika berkaitan, paling kurang, fahamilah usaha aku. Lebih baik, tolonglah aku. Tolonglah aku untuk hadapi apa yang perlu kita hadapi bersama. Kerana aku hanya nampak sengsara begini, apabila perkara yang patut dihadapi bersama, aku hadapi berseorangan. Kerana aku tak mampu meninggalkan perkara yang sepatutnya menjadi tanggungjawab aku. Melepaskan bebanan aku kepada orang lain, bukan cara aku. Walau selemah mana usaha aku dimata yang memerhati, inilah usaha aku.